Mean Mommy Musings: 2009

There is an unspoken, unwritten rule in the modern "stay at home mother community" that says the image of perfection must be maintained at all times, and at any cost. One must always portray oneself as blissful, calm, in control and above all else, successful. One must follow strict protocol in regards to creating and maintaining a thoughtful and properly planned schedule of daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, yearly and once-per-childhood activities.

One's home, however grand or modest, must always be cleaned, organized, smelling of Lemon Verbena Infused Air Dried Linens, and ready for spontaneous house guests and play dates. One's appearance should always reflect the fact that one is consumed with pleasing one's husband and staying atop current trends, lest one should be labeled "One of Those Ponytail and Sweatpants Moms Who Has Really Let Herself Go."

Children of a "stay at home mother" must always be dressed appropriately (in boutique clothing, or at the very least Gymboree) for the weather and events of the day. They must play together as best play-mates, and work cooperatively to clean up after their developmentally appropriate art projects are finished. They must maintain a demanding and rigorous roster of extra-curricular activities for academic and social enrichment.

And I say: What a diaper-load of crap!

I'm going to wager a guess that this hyper-focus on pseudo-perfection comes from two distinct areas of pressure. One is that stay-at-home-moms still have not recovered, as a whole, from the pendulum swing of feminism. We've come a long way, baby, but we can't quite figure out where we're going. First we could not work outside the home without raising eyebrows, then we had to work outside the home to feel of worth, and now we are (supposedly) finally in the time and place where we have the liberty and social approval to choose to be at home or to have a career, or anywhere in between. Unfortunately, many stay at home moms are hesitant to be proud of their individual choice. We often label ourselves with what we imagine the rest of the adult working world sees; naive, uneducated, idealistic, weak, and old-fashioned. And sometimes we really are labeled by others. I was once (wrongly!) accused by another woman of choosing to stay at home so I could be lazy and control my husband by "forcing him to work" and therefore "trapping him in marriage." Yes, that really was said. No, I am not exaggerating. And no, I did not physically harm her after she made her statement, although I sincerely wanted to.

The other reason we put on the mask of perfection is competition and a craving for approval. We don't want to be the one woman in playgroup who doesn't have her act together. We want to be the best mommy, the best home manager, the best cook on the block. If we're the best, then we'll impress everyone else. And if we impress everyone else, they'll praise us for a job well done. Maybe it'll be through a comment about their envy for some skill we possess, or maybe a wistful look of disbelief as we deftly handle something they don't do as well. And then, only then, can we feel pride in our choice and our ability. When we get a figurative pat on the back from someone else who knows our role and responsibilities well... from someone on the inside. We crave that approval, that feeling of having conquered the task better than anyone else, when we don't have a manager or supervisor to give us positive feedback and a raise.

Well, I am here to tell you that I, for one, am not anywhere close to being SuperMom. And I don't think it's in my heart to even desire that label any more. Being SuperMom requires too much pride. Too much fear in failing. Too much anxiety and conditional approval. Too much being responsible for our children instead of being responsible to our children. I'd much rather be a Beta Mom, as I've heard it termed. I have a friend who wisely says, "I just want to be a happy medium." I absolutely agree. I want my house to be clean enough, organized enough. I want to be pretty enough. I want my kids to get along well enough and to have their time be occupied just enough. That leaves wiggle room for development, change, honesty, spontaneity, real life to occur. And Lord help me to have humility and empathy for others, so that I may see them for their true, unique selves, and not for a mask they might wear. We need to celebrate all the varied and wonderful ways of mothering, and mentor younger moms with a heart for acceptance and authenticity.

It is not within my power to change the views of society, the influence of feminism, or our tendency as women towards self-paralysis without approval. But I can stand proud for my own choices and abilities as well as be humble enough to show my faults along with my strengths. And I can accept the fact that we all do things differently in life, but we have the same goal in mind- to learn and grow as we raise healthy, happy, well-adjusted children and to make our own unique mark on the world in the process. One of my favorite quotes: "There is no one way to be a perfect mother but a million ways to be a good one. (Jill Churchill)."